I was pregnant. Surprised? Maybe, maybe not. I'm sure many of you have wondered why Spencer and I haven't had kids yet (after being married for 5 years, that is an eternity in Mormon world). Truth is, we stopped preventing after 6 months of being married. Subtract a year and some months of Spencer being gone, and you do the math....it's still been a really long time. I realize that this is a very personal and private matter, and maybe not the best idea to share on the internet. However, I feel like I have learned so much in the last several years about myself, my relationship with Spencer, and my relationship with God. I also know that there are so many other couples who struggle with infertility, and maybe I can at least let them know that they are far from being alone in this battle.
Going back to that first sentence...yes, I got pregnant. About 4 months ago. It only happened as a result of fertility drugs. Unfortunately, it only lasted for 6 weeks and 3 days. Before I get in to any details, let me just say that what I went through was NOTHING compared to what so many other women have gone through. Miscarriage is such a common occurrence, I am willing to bet that everybody knows at least one person who has experienced it (and if you didn't before, now you do). Many women keep it a secret because it is such a devastating time in their life. I can totally understand why they choose not to talk about it, but I wanted to make mine known. Why? Not to get sympathy...the last thing I want is for people to feel bad for me. It is only because I found comfort in knowing that I was not alone in that experience. It gave me hope to hear from my friends who had gone through a miscarriage (or 2 or 3), and eventually ended up with the family full of kids that they always dreamed of. While the miscarriage was obviously heartbreaking, the fact that I actually got pregnant was a really big deal, and has given me a lot of hope for the future.
Getting pregnant was not easy. A lot of things (other than the obvious) went into the equation. Dr.'s appointments, missed diagnosis', ultrasounds, blood work, forums, personal research, fertility drugs, and a whole lotta patience. To be 100% honest, while we didn't prevent for a few years, I can't say that I am completely disappointed with the way things have turned out. Spencer and I have had so much time together to build a really great and solid relationship with just the two of us. We have been able to travel and go out on most weekends. The older I have gotten, the more educated I've become, which gives me more confidence to eventually be a good mom. It wasn't always easy though. I definitely went through my phases of being jealous and upset when so many women around me announced their pregnancies. Luckily I eventually came to peace with those issues, and even learned to be genuinely happy for those women. It was an important time in my life when I realized that other people's happiness is no reason to bring me down, in fact, other people's happiness should in fact make me happier.
Spencer has been more than supportive throughout the entire process. He has never pressured me or blamed me. He has shown a lot of love and a lot of patience. And that is all that I need. I have also felt continual love from God. There are some things that I can't explain in words. I have never felt let down by Him. I have only felt like the time wasn't quite right. Even when I had the miscarriage, I felt like it was supposed to happen. Again, I can't quite explain it. But I don't feel like I was blind sighted by it. I felt prepared to face it. And boy am I grateful for those feelings.
My advice for those of you who are struggling with fertility is to do your research! The first time I knew something was wrong with me was when I was reading a magazine and found an article on symptoms that go with specific diagnosis'. There was one (PCOS) where I fit almost all of the symptoms. From then on, I did a lot of research and read a lot of forums on other women who have the same problems. I go to my Dr.'s with specific questions and requests. The last year of my life I have felt very in control of my body and know what is going on with it. I don't just submit myself to every Dr. (I have seen MANY in the last few years) I see and let them make all of the decisions. Maybe I shouldn't be giving advice just quite yet since I don't even have a success story, but I do feel strongly about taking control of your body and educating yourself about it.
So there is my story. While it's not the happiest of stories, it has provided me with many positive experiences and life lessons. I hope that those of you who share this struggle can find hope, peace, and success.
9 comments:
Stacy you are one impressive and strong person. You really have gone through a lot and I'm amazed by your positive attitude. I'm sorry about your miscarriage but at least it means you CAN get pregnant and that's exciting.
I wish we could have lived closer to each other for a longer time. You're pretty awesome.
Well Matthew likes this song and I thought of you so enjoy! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyVzjoj96vs&feature=fvw
Oh Sticks... I love you. Very well written. Well done. I, too, wish we could have lived closer to each other for a longer time. (You're pretty popular I guess.) But one day we will again! And all our many kids will be grow up being BFFs!
Stacy I'm so glad you shared this. I want you know that I understand every single word you wrote. Aaron & I were married for 4 years before we were able to get pregnant, and that pregnancy ended sadly in a miscarriage. I understand exactly what you went and are going through.
As you know we have been blessed with Levi and another on the way, but many people don't know that we had another miscarriage before this pregnancy. Even though it is heart breaking I understand your point that you feel God is in control. I never once blamed Him for any of our circumstances. In fact I was always able to see the blessings within it if that even seems possible.
I could go on and on because I completely relate to this post. I just want you to know you have a sister standing along side you and if you ever need to chat I'm here. We'll be praying for many blessings to be headed to you and Spencer. We love you guys!
i love you..
and jill your comment made me cry.. thx :)
soon.. very very soon stacy, you will be a mommy.
You are such a strong person Stacy! Thanks for sharing your story. I love you and miss you!
i love that you wrote about it. makes me want to really write about the things i have gone through also to help someone who may be going through it too. kudos to you. maybe i will work up the nerve to post mine for the world too. i miss you.
Stacy I think you are such a strong and amazing person. Our family is so blessed to have you as a sister. Thank you for sharing this. It has helped shed some light on my life and that I need to trust in the Lord and know he has a greater plan for me if I will have more patience. I know Heavenly Father has some special children waiting for you and Spencer. Miss you lots. You are a wonderful sister :)
I love you. This outpouring of love from your friends and family make me ponder how much greater our Heavenly Father's love is for you. Thanks for sharing what I know must be difficult.
Why is it that everyone began with "I love you"?? Because that's EXACTLY what I wanted to say but now I just sound like everybody else. Oh well. I love you. You are seriously such an amazing person. I am so glad to have you in my life. Well said and well written. Again, you're amazing.
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